Lust and sexual acting out for men

Yet with years of experience and thought, study, and lots of effort, I still admit this is a subject I don’t have totally figured out. God reveals more to me all the time. Most of us like to write about topics we understand and have accomplished something in. Well, lust presents a bit of a problem in that regard. Victories are counted moment by moment. And each day the battle renews. How could it be anything other than a daily battle for something the Bible describes in James as the mother of sin?

When speaking to audiences of men I’ve tried something before. Maybe you can try it now as you’re reading. Even if you don’t, I think you’ll get the point. I ask everyone in the audience to bow their heads and simply close their eyes including adults in the room if there are any. Then I ask everyone to raise one hand. Once all have complied I say the following:

• Now lower your hand if you feel you don’t have a problem with lust.
• Okay, lower your hand if you’ve never looked at an obscene image.
• Lower your hand if you feel that looking at those images is not a potential problem for you.

Then I say everyone may lower their hands. Lastly, I tell everyone to open their eyes. You won’t be surprised. Every time I’ve done this, almost all, if not all hands, are still raised after all three prompts.

If you struggle with this, you’re not alone. Boy oh boy you aren’t alone…

Let me give you a little background on my experience. As long as I remember lust was there, but in my late teens I started really struggling with lust. At the time I didn’t have anyone I could talk to, and I really didn’t know if I had someone I could trust. My solutions were prayer and willpower.

And so I prayed about my lust. I prayed and prayed. I prayed that God would take it away. I made a vow to God about it at Bible School one year. I thought if I could just try harder it was going to go away, that I would overcome it, or something like that. And try as I did, using prayer and willpower, lust never went away. Instead I succumbed to it again and again. And I felt really defeated. Then I got to the point that trying to make it go away was just too hard. So I really didn’t try to overcome it, I just tried to hide it. Occasionally I would make a go at overcoming lust but it was never to any avail. And that was a dark place to be. Then one day, I didn’t hide it well enough. Someone close to me, in fact a girl I liked at the time, found out by looking at a computer I had used before her.

My life crashed into anxiety and panic.

Why am I telling you this? Perhaps just to let you know that I’ve fought on many fronts here, and I get it. And also to let you know there’s some hope too.

Now, what is lust and is it bad?

To understand lust we probably need to turn over to James chapter 1.

[14] But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. [15] Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

Jam 1:14-15 KJV

The Strong’s Definition is helpful:

Lust – epithymia

desire, craving, longing, desire for what is forbidden, lust

So lust is really that craving you have inside which motivates the action of sin. It’s what you feel inside when something entices you. It is a mother that grows and gestates a sin-child.

And perhaps it’s obvious, but it’s important to distinguish between lust and sin. Looking at obscene images is the sin that lust conceives. Sleeping with that woman in your head is the sin. It’s not the lust.

Why’s that important? Because lust is at the core. Just because we don’t cross this line or that line doesn’t mean we don’t have the lust. So first and foremost this article is to stop us from getting too legalistic about “lines”, and “ok”, and “not okay” behaviours. I’m not sure of all the ways your lust can make you sin these days, and I’m not going to catalog the ones I do know. That’s not helpful. The source is the same no matter what the outlet.

Beyond this, if I simply tell you to stop looking at obscene images, but don’t give you any guidance on the lust, which is the reason you want to look at the images, one of two things will probably happen. You’ll fail or you’ll simply find another way to ‘satisfy’ the craving.

Why do we lust?

Lust is a natural attitude that is perverted to unnatural uses. Lust is simply your body’s way of telling you what it wants. And when your body matures it tells you that you want a woman. And there’s almost no way to turn that off.

In fact, we are powerless to lust. It is encoded into our nature. When we act on lust the chemicals released make us feel good and calm. The body soon learns that this is a quick and easy remedy to anything making us feel bad. You may have noticed that the times when you have the most lust are those times when you are lonely, tired, angry, frightened, or stressed out. Lust is sort of like an escape. By using it we are depriving ourselves of more fulfilling and Christ centred answers to those feelings. If you use lust as a momentary resolution to your problems your body can easily become addicted. The result is that your feelings of lust will intensify with any other troubles in life.

And here’s the truly frightening part. When we satisfy our craving, whatever way that is, over time we develop an unfortunate side effect, called “tolerance.”

The tolerance effect simply means that the more you do something the more you will eventually need to do it to achieve the same effect. An alcoholic knows, for example, that when he first starts drinking, one drink may be enough to get him tipsy. After weeks, months, or years, a lot more alcohol will be needed to do so. This is because God has built into our bodies the amazing ability to adjust to whatever we put into it. Our bodies will eventually return to a state of normal. If we put something foreign into it consistently enough, however, the body will adjust what it considers to be normal to a higher level.

Sexual thinking causes a chemical reaction in the brain. That is what gives us the bodily response to achieve sexual intercourse and the pleasurable feeling that goes with it. Fantasizing about sex and achieving orgasm through masturbation for example creates this chemical reaction. If we act on our lust enough, our bodies will adjust, and we will need to do it more often to achieve the same effect. You can literally become addicted to the brain chemicals created when you stimulate yourself and ‘need to use’ more often to achieve the same high.

The tolerance effect can also mean that the sexual fantasy involved in lust will need to become more exciting, more provocative, and/or more dangerous. You may have found that your own sexual fantasies have become more elaborate involving new types of sexual activity or a constantly changing supply of imaginary sexual partners.

This is all a complicated way of pointing out that resolving our feelings of lust by acting on that lust, just makes the lust worse next time.

It also points out that this is all highly addictive. Lust provides doses of chemicals that cover our feelings of sadness, loneliness or other feelings. As any addict would, we can begin to depend on our drug.

So what do we do with our lustful thinking?

The first thing to understand is that you can’t control the feelings of lust, and you can’t make them go away.

[6] For to be carnally minded [is] death; but to be spiritually minded [is] life and peace. [7] Because the carnal mind [is] enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.

Rom 8:6-7 KJV

What is Paul saying here? There is a part of you that wants to sin called the carnal mind. The carnal mind has desire that you don’t want to have that craves sin. That part of you is not subject to the law of God and never will be. It can’t be converted and it’s the part that Jesus destroyed on the cross. So the answer is not to will or to pray for lust to go away.

Lust won’t just go away because we want it to or because we pray for it to go away. Sure, God could lead us away from temptation. Or God could allow us to face our temptation. But in either case, the carnal mind remains. The feelings will come. The answer is in what we do when we have lust.

The Bible has some very practical advice on this subject. It seems so simple I’m afraid it’s ignored. But it works.

Method 1: Flee

Flee from sexual immorality.

1 Cor. 6:18

Okay flee. What do I mean by flee? I mean that if you are in your head or in a place where your lust is aroused, get out, leave.

In other words, admit that you can’t handle it.

The Corinthians had the unfortunate distraction of a Temple of Aphrodite in their town. It was little better than a combination of a steakhouse and brothel where temple prostitutes awaited patrons. Now it was possible to simply go there for a meal alone. You could convince yourself that you were just hungry and wanted some tasty meat. But what do you think happened when you got to the temple and remembered your former way of life? All the temptations flooded back. It was simply too much to try to overcome. Paul’s answer? Flee.

I’ve created a list of places, like the Temple of Aphrodite, that I won’t go because I find those places triggering. A “trigger” is something that I do that gives me the idea that I should act out on lust. Some guys who have done stuff I haven’t may need to add some specific places to their list. You should create your own list. My current list is below. I say current because it is and should be subject to review:

• I do not look on the internet on my cellphone for entertainment, except for espn.com or when with another person
• I do not look at the internet at work for fun or entertainment except for espn.com or when with another person
• I do not use computers without content filtering software
• I do not test my content safety software
• I do not read provocative articles in the newspaper
• I unplug the television as soon as I walk into hotel rooms where I am staying alone
• I do not look at ads in the paper or flip through magazines
• I do not listen to the news while going to work
• I do not stare at strangers
• I do not go into video stores
• I do not look at magazines in the racks at stores
• I do not go into book stores
• I do not have personal conversations alone with women
• I do not watch movies with sexual content
• I do not own a television
• I do not text or call women for fun or friendship purposes
• I do not complain about money

Now, perhaps that seems extreme. It’s not like I’ve fooled around with anyone or cheated on my wife. Why would I be so extreme? Because I understand temptation for what it is and I flee.

In other words, I simply can’t handle it. By “I can’t handle it” I mean that I could surf the web unfiltered 99 times without a problem. But the 100th time it is a problem. To me, it’s not worth it for the 1 out of 100 chance.

Just like the alcoholic likely has more control over the temptation to drink before drink one than between drink 3 and 4, you’ll have more ability to flee at the first triggering feeling than after taking a few lust drinks thinking it’ll be okay.

I flee at the “thought” of the first drink.

Another part of fleeing for me is having a plan in advance of what I do when I feel temptation.

I have a prayer something like, “God whatever I’m looking for in that thought, may I find in You.” I’ll say prayers for the object of lust, “God please keep her from pain and help her to find peace and joy in You.”

Or perhaps fleeing is a phone call or a text to a friend. I have accountability with a friend in the meeting, and with someone outside the meeting. I can get a hold of them any time. I take fleeing deadly serious and I do so because it works. But there’s more to it.

Method 2: Humble yourself

[5] Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy? [6] But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. [7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. [8] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded. [9] Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and [your] joy to heaviness. [10] Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

Jam 4:5-10 KJV

There is so much wisdom in James words.

The spirit within us lusts (desires) to envy. For many of us that’s the start of the problem. Out of control lust is a spiritual disease. It’s an obsession with the spirit of self.

Over time, many have found that lust wasn’t really the problem. Lust was our solution to a deeper problem. Lust was the way we dealt with our problem; until it became a problem in its own right.

Our big problem was envy. We aren’t happy with ourselves. We want to be like other people. To be liked the way they are… to be accepted the way they are… to be funny or smart or athletic or spiritual, or something else, the way they are.

We don’t like our insides very much and our insides just don’t match what we see on the outsides of others. And we find that fantasy and sexual acting out become an outlet for this feeling and almost any other bad feeling. It is place were we have power and control, so unlike the real world.

It seems unfair to dabble on a subject that really is the core of what has helped me, but I’ll summarize briefly. You’ll need to explore this for yourself to find the power in James’ words. This article won’t do it.

The solution to lust and envy is more than not acting out on it. Most of us decided to “not do it” time and time again to no avail. The solution is to find something better, something real. The solution is to find in God what we are looking for in lust. God must lift us up.

And James supplies a useful summary of what most of us have had to go through:

Submit yourselves to God: Realise that you are the problem not the solution. Doing this deal through willpower will never work. Give up control to God and become submissive. For me this means to concern myself with only doing His will. I must let go of selfish ambition, let go of judging others (let God do that), let go of telling God the outcomes I want from life. It means I should think very simply about doing God’s will for me and give up the rest to Him and accept the outcomes, whatever they be.

Resist the devil

I must stop acting out on lust. The devil is a “liar” and although most churches misinterpret this, there is a point to the phrase. My liar tells me, “If you act out on lust you’ll feel better.” You know the lie. You think if you just give in, the insanity in your head will leave you alone for a while. And it does for moments. But it will come back and you’ll have guilt to boot. Acting out does not make you feel better. Resisting the desire, it turns out, did not kill me. It just made the devil flee, at least for a season. The longer I resist the longer the season it flees for.

Draw nigh to God

For so long I asked God to draw nigh to me. But I realised that was just another way of me being selfish. I was telling God exactly how I wanted him to help me. No wonder He didn’t give me the answer I wanted. The answer it turns out was to draw nigh to Him. You’ll need to work out what this means because you know how you’ve resisted Him. For me, it meant listening to God closely in reading His word. It meant communicating with Him in a real and honest way. It meant that I stopped telling Him how to do things, and I instead asked for help to simply do His will. It meant that I backed off things I was plugging into instead of God, like music, television, sports and pursuing money. I don’t do this perfectly. But God keeps helping me move forward.

Cleanse your hands and purify your hearts

The principle here is simple. I need to forgive others that hurt me, and I need to ask forgiveness of others that I’ve hurt. I can’t carry around the guilt of taking advantage of, hurting, and sinning against God and His children. I know now that I must address this guilt because leaving it alone makes me want to act out.

Be afflicted mourn and weep

I give up denial. When I weep for something, inevitably it means I see the stark reality of it. This happens to me often at funerals. There’s no more denying the obvious. When I’ve accepted the reality that I have a problem that I can’t fix then I can go forward. As long as I laugh it off, I have no hope.

Humble yourself in the sight of God

My pride is the fuel for lusting. I give up my right to be right all the time with others and with God. I wait for Him to lift me up. I stop trying to do it myself all the time.

This isn’t meant to be a series of steps or a complete list of to-do’s. I’m not sure there is a complete list, and my list seems to change over time. But what James’ words do show us is that resisting sin is really about emptying ourselves of ourselves to give God some space to work. Change must incorporate physical abstinence, emotional healing, and spiritual strengthening. Change in one area without the others never worked for me.

A big part of humbling myself was finding a friend in the truth that I could admit the problem to and go to for accountability. With this friend I have complete honesty. I also meet together with a group of guys every week where we all share honestly. This group is highly structured and not haphazard. We meet regularly and start on time with a set agenda. We don’t give each other advice. We share around the group. Everyone else is silent while one is sharing. We only share about ourselves, we don’t analyse others’ problems. We each take a turn to share. We open and close with prayer.

I don’t believe any lasting change could have occurred without accountability. It gets me out of myself and gives me honest fellowship and it allows me to see God working in my life.

I’ve heard someone say that lust is the athlete’s foot of the brain. It only grows in dark places. You must shine the light of honesty on it. You must become convinced that you can’t figure this out on your own and find accountability with another.

Lastly, in order to humble myself I must have humble prayers. Perhaps the classic humble prayer in scripture is, “God be merciful to me, a sinner.”

You’ll need to develop your own prayers. But I’ll provide you an example of one of mine. When I feel hurt or dissatisfied, my heart becomes so proud and I want to take from others or even the score. I’ve learned to instead say prayers like the following: “God, help me to find in You what I feel I lack from within. Help me to know You loved me first and that I am Your child so I can accept Your love and Your will without fear. You are my creator and with Your Son my only judge. I trust You. Please help me to trust You more.”

Method 3: Walk in the spirit

[16] [This] I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

Gal 5:16 KJV

Rarely has a verse in scripture ever been so direct and so clear. You must walk in the spirit. Standing still is like going backwards. It is not enough to read, to intellectualise, to philosophise, to agree or to acknowledge. It is not enough to know, to think or to remember. This must be a walk. In other words it involves actions.

The spirit is that which you learned and believed in Jesus Christ. To walk in the spirit means you do the actions God wills for you. It means you turn yourself over to God.

For me this means doing some things every day that keep me well:

• I say prayers every morning
• I make an agreement with God everyday to not act out on lust
• I pray for blessings on the people I resent as soon as I come to recognize the feeling
• I pray for blessings on those I lust for as soon as I come to recognize the feeling
• I surrender my fears to God as I feel them during the day
• I admit that I am powerless over lust without God’s help
• I surrender distracting thoughts to God
• I say I am grateful for my job, home, family and sufferings
• I confess my sins to God and another human being
• I thank God that He is my Father, I am His child and He loves me
• I make right any wrongs I’ve done
• I read and think on God’s word
• I forgive all that have injured me

Walking in the spirit means to serve your brethren with actions of love. You feel within yourself the joy of service, the meat that others don’t understand that fills you and sustains you. You feel like God has a purpose with you. You feel less and less like you need lust to fill the emptiness inside. And really there is less emptiness inside.

The urges diminish and the lusts fade. They are always there, and can easily return, which is why you can never stop walking. This walk lasts only one day at a time. And if you fall down you need to get back up and walk again.